Thursday, 2 June 2011

An act of courage...

Lovely people tell me that I am stoical, resilient, awesome, amazing, great and many other undeserved epiphets. Why do I think they are undeserved? My view is that I'm just getting on with things, doing what has to be done. Us chemo patients do have a choice. We are strongly advised to undertake, what in my case is called adjuvant, chemotherapy (belt and braces chemo!). We sign a consent form. At the time one signs the form, knowledge of what is to come is purely theoretical, although a LOT of information is given. It is not until you sit in the chair and have the cannula (needle) put in the back of your hand, that there dawns a sense of inevitability. The procedure will happen. At the first session all is new and scary, but you don't know what is to come. At my second session, I no longer felt like the new girl. I knew the procedure. I had mastered waltzing with with Percy. Happily, I had had no really nasty side effects after the first session. I was, perhaps, a little complacent.
I have blogged about some of the events of chemo cycle two, I will add it was grim. I had a hard time for perhaps 16 days out of the 21 days of the cycle.
Today, when I saw the doctor and they told me the wonderful news about my Ca125 test (cancer marker in blood indicating Ovarian Cancer in some cases, it did in mine) was down from 102 to 13. Normal is 0 to 35. I was very pleased but then had a meltdown. I realised I still had four more cycles to go. They 'could' all be as awful as the last one. After talking to my Macmillan Nurse and the doctor they reassured me that I was doing really well, that they were extremely pleased with my progress. But I was still scared, worried and anxious. My hands were shaking.

As I went up to the chemo suite, I went with trepidation. But I went, I sat down. I had my chemo. You can say I was brave. It was my act of courage.