Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Bored but glad to be here...

Boredom is setting in. I am really struggling, still, with the feeling I should be at work. It is quite irrational, I am nowhere near fit to work. I suspect it stems from the ferocious work ethic which underpinned my growing years. You went to school unless you could not get out of bed. If you missed school on a Friday, you didn't play out all weekend! Here I am, facing months of chemo, and I'm bored already. No, that is not strictly true, I am entirely capable of amusing myself independently. However, I am limited in what I can do, and that is what is frustrating. I suspect there will be days and days during chemo when I will be very glad I have nothing much to do and nowhere I have to be.
So, I have got my library books and I am gradually allowing myself the pleasure of extended reading (see, I'm still struggling to 'just' read). Tomorrow, I'm going to get my cross stitch work out and put it by my chair. I'm going to find my sketch pad and start doing some drawing again. Soon, when I can comfortably stand for a bit longer, I'm going to resurrect my neglected cookery skills. It's not that I can't cook, but after bringing up a family I was rather jaded! My beloved husband is a good cook and I have been, and will be, relying on him heavily so it is only fair I should do what I can.
I am determined that this enforced hiatus in my life will not be wasted. If I can hone a few skills then this time will have some good in it.

Friday, 25 March 2011

Moving on...

Another week has gone by - I am physically much recovered. The daily ritual of injecting my tummy has lost any charm it ever had, but only six more days to go!
I am enjoying the compulsory daily walks far more in the sunshine and I can walk further every day. However, should I have the temerity to be over ambitious my tummy muscles soon get me back in line. I have definite dates now for Chemo Pre-assessment on 12 April and when it actually starts in 27 days. Somewhat strangely, I am impatient for this. I want to get on with the fight. Before then though I have some really good things to do. My daughter gets married in just under 3 weeks, a day I could not miss. My Oncologist was quite definite that the wedding came before Chemo. I get to see some dear friends this weekend. More good stuff to store. This is necessary. There are times when despite all the love, care and concern that surrounds me I feel anxious, worried and frightened, but then I do remember the good stuff and wrap myself up in it like a soft sweet cloud.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

The news is sinking in...

Hmm, so a week and a day have passed since my diagnosis of cancer. As I've said before it wasn't a surprise - I had been warned. The last two days have been really hard, I'm feeling better enough to become frustrated with my slowness and soreness. It has also sunk in that my life is NEVER going to be the same. I will always carry my scar, but also I need to come to terms with the fact that there are no guarantees - no-one can say you are cured for ever, the cancer will not come back. My job now is to live my life in spite of my cancer. I must NOT let my fear, yes fear, rule my life. I've only got this one life and I refuse to blight it with my illness. I intend to do all the fun things I can, get back, as soon as possible, to the job I adore. I have lots of reasons to make me happy; fabulous friends, an amazing husband, gorgeous children and a grandchild (maybe more eventually :-)). Someone described me as stoic - I wasn't last night, in the dark, I was frightened. The face I want to show the world though is not one of resignation, but one of determination, of stoicism. For I am determined to get on and live the BEST life I can. Cancer picked the wrong diva all right!

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Well, that was nasty...

So, I have cancer, ovarian cancer... was not actually a shock as I had been warned. The need to have chemotherapy is a pain, as I had really hoped the op was all I needed. However, an ovary had ruptured releasing those pesky cells into my tummy. Not sure when I will start chemo, have to see oncologist first. Am fitting first one around my daughter's wedding - a balance between still having hair and not throwing up all day! I know I will lose my hair as I am having a cocktail of two chemo drugs; I decided to give those pesky cells the biggest shock I could. The next months are going to be a challenge, but I have amazing support in real life and virtually online.
Get the sick bags ready, my friends, this could be a bumpy ride!