Sunday, 29 April 2012

On people...

I read this, yesterday. I can honestly say that this is almost revelatory. The premise is that there are no 'difficult' people, only those with different agenda to us. I must say that the idea that no-one can make us feel bad, but that our response to them is what hijacks us, is not new to me. I have been working within that philosophy for a few months. Only a few months though.
Many years of my life were deeply affected by other people. Those others caused me to doubt myself, to view myself as unworthy, ugly, undesirable, inadequate, you name it I have felt it. However I realise now, I allowed it. Not what happened in childhood though. That I could not have changed, but I'll make sure no child I deal with will ever have me making them feel so bad.

I think that one needs to have a sense of self worth before the premise of differing agendas can really work. I have worked really hard for seven years to develop my own sense of self worth. I have had to unpick my own idea of myself and rebuild it. Being so ill for so many months actually helped. Losing my hair stripped me back to absolute basics. I learned to be glad just to be alive. The counselling I received also helped beyond measure. This was where I heard, perhaps believing it for the first time, that I, alone, was responsible for my own happiness. To create our own happiness has to mean making concious effort. It does NOT mean riding rough shod over others. Thoughtfulness, consideration and empathy will always be glue to relationships, personal and professional.
One thing that has surprised me is that fulfilling my own needs; to be creative, to meet my physical needs, to tend my emotions, does not lead to the death of a relationship. I had been persuaded in an earlier time to put those I lived with before myself at all times. Obviously, as a parent, I did put the needs of infant children before myself. What I did not need to do was put the needs of my spouse always before my needs. I did this for twenty six years, until I realised that I was disappearing, as a woman, as an individual. The crisis came when his pastime took precedence over my birthday. No compromise, just that it was more important than me.
It took me several more years to move on.
Now, I have started being creative. I have overcome tall odds. I not only write, but I make beautiful things. I read. I walk.
At last, I am a secure, happy, fulfilled individual who is not afraid to take risks, to branch out, to live.
I am Alison.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Another anniversary...

One year ago today I had my first chemotherapy session. I blogged about it at the time. In some ways much of last year now feels like a dream. In other ways, the normal things I am doing, feel like it is the first time again. I REALLY enjoyed my Easter break. We did nothing extra special really. We celebrated Mr G's birthday. We saw our wider family. However, I was not sore recovering from surgery, I was not forbidden any foods, I was not at risk of dangerous infections, I was able to live a normal life. It is VERY hard to articulate to those for whom this has not happened just how good it feels. The even more amazing thing is that that wonder at living a normal life does not go away. I even find that the less lovely bits of normal life, while still upsetting do not have as much effect.
I am very cross I have not got my house deposit back, and that I face a fight to try to get it back. However, it is not the total disaster it once would have been. Yes, I've cried, but no-one is going to die over it, I am not going to die because of it, therefore it is not earth shattering.
Life, post cancer treatment, is strange. For days and weeks, I can almost forget about cancer. Then something reminds me. A check up, a glimpse of an upsetting advert, even the reminders of the Race for Life I am doing. Then I am catapulted back to thinking about cancer. I think it will always be so. Maybe the adrenaline dump will lessen. I hope so, I do not enjoy that fight or flight lurch of my heart.

I do enjoy life. I love life. The ups and downs are there, but they are infinitely preferable to the alternative.