The first day of the rest of my life...

So here I am. It's been a long journey from first symptoms on 7th January, surgery on 2nd March and beginning chemotherapy on 21st April. It has all been going on for thirty weeks so far. I have a follow-up appointment in four weeks time, I guess I will find out then about the procedure for my follow up check-ups. I know I will be seen for five years, with the interval between appointments increasing as long as there is no recurrence of cancer.

The picture above is of a significant date for me. Those who know me well will know that it is my birthday. This year, I will be 55 years old. I am going to have a big party, one to celebrate my birthday but also to celebrate being here. There have been moments this year when I wondered if I would make it... when they thought I was riddled with cancer, when I faced major surgery, when I wondered if I could cope with the rigours of chemotherapy. But I'm here, my scan showed no cancer, my cancer marker is absolutely normal - just now there is no visible cancer. The watching and waiting begins. I need to work out how to be watchful without being obsessive. I need to wait without allowing my life to drift between checkups.
This is part of the reason I'm having my party, It is to be on 5th November as my birthday falls on a week day. It will definitely go with a bang with all the fireworks around.

Mr G and I are going to spend some quality time having fun, once I come out of the dark side. We are going to relish not having to work out good days and bad days. August 25th will see me feasting on the foods I have had to avoid for months - soft cheese, pate and bagged salad for me! September 5th is the day I return to work.
Life here I come, cancer will live in the back seat... not rule my life.

A wedding and other fun!

Mr G and I spent this weekend in the Peak District. We drove up on Saturday morning, leaving very early. We arrived in Buxton at 10.00 am and to my surprise and delight were allowed to book into our hotel room immediately. This meant I had a base for all my things. We had a coffee and a sandwich before we headed to the church for Smart car pictures before the wedding. Oh yes,I need to tell some of my readers that Mr G and I are Smart car enthusiasts. I have a Smart fortwo and Mr G has a Smart Brabus Roadster Exclusive. We were in Mr G's car on this occasion.

My car, Roxie.

The wedding went without a hitch, the bride looked fabulous. My hat was a huge success, I felt gorgeous for the first time in ages.
After the ceremony, the Smart car owners went off into the country for more pics.
Mr G took this picture of H & J and the cars.

We went back to Buxton and enjoyed a fantastic reception. I was able to hit the dance floor again and managed to keep going until 11.00pm! Considering I had got up at 6.00am, I impressed myself.
After a restless night, strange bed, bells ringing every hour, we decided to get breakfast early. The spread on offer was extensive so we both enjoyed a large meal fuelling ourselves for the day.
We had decided to go to the Blue John Cavern. We had both been there before, but some time ago, in other company. I vaguely remembered the many steps and was a little apprehensive. The climb down the 245 steps was not too bad, because we had stops as our guide explained about the caves and mineral deposits. My real challenge came on the climb back up. The guide had said we would take our time but I got stuck at the back of the group (because I was as slow as a two year old girl!)
This meant that I had only just caught up when we started climbing again. This escapade brought home to me very sharply how debilitating having chemo is. I was close to tears when joy of joys I saw daylight and the surface. I don't regret the visit one bit, but it was very hard. I am still sore and stiff!

Entrance to Blue John Cavern.

A view inside the cavern.

After we left the Cavern we explored Edale and then we travelled across the Cat and Fiddle road to Macclesfield. We stopped for excellent tea and cakes at the tea rooms on the way. In the evening we discovered a super Italian restaurant and had some of the best Italian food we have enjoyed outside Italy.
Today, I woke up still tired and sore but happy that I was there enjoying REAL life. We had planned to go to Chester but it was raining so we journeyed home via Lichfield. We explored the cathedral and looked round the town. My legs complained at every set of steps and up all the slopes, but I definitely felt stronger.
I am REALLY not looking forward to my last chemo on Thursday. It has been so good feeling well and being able to join in. However, I must try to remember that by the time two weeks have passed on from Thursday I should be feeling better. After three weeks have passed I should be starting to get stronger. Then I will be looking forward to enjoying some more adventures with Mr G before I go back to work in September.

Work, Hat and chemo talk.

Today I had my interview with Occupational Health. I was very sceptical about it, as the literature they had requested I read, had focused very much on stress related long term absence from work. As you all know my absence has solely been down to a huge operation and adjuvant chemotherapy. The woman who interviewed me was actually quite fair and was perfectly happy with my return to work plans. It appears that my line manager just wanted reassurance that the plan was feasible. I was pretty sure it was as I had researched what was acceptable before I wrote my plan.

Flushed with success, Mr G and I headed into town to look round the shops. After we parked the car, I had a narrow escape as two men lost control of a trolley loaded with packs of paper. Fortunately most of the paper had fallen off before the trolley hit me on my calf. The men were very apologetic and looked horrified at nearly injuring a bald headed woman. I've got a bit of a bruise but as I bruise if you look at me just now, no real harm done. I KNOW they will be more careful in future.
We had almost finished our tour of the shops when I spotted yet another sale. I went in looking for a bag. As I scanned the racks, what should I spot but an off white, chiffon and georgette ruffled flower confection in the sale. It is made of soft and gentle material for a softly fuzzy scalp. I reached it down and nearly trembling with excitement tried it on. It fitted beautifully and will look amazing with my frock. I shall still take the little crochet cap in case it is windy, as I can't use hatpins yet!

We headed back to the car and set off for petrol and food fuel for us. Now Mr G and I have some games we play when on car journeys. They consist either of finding cars in all the colours of the rainbow or by scoring points for colours of vehicle spotted. I believe it began as Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry many moons ago. Pink rates very highly and the bigger the vehicle the more points. As we came out of the car park and drew up at traffic lights I saw a bright pink stretch limousine - in my chemo head excitement at outstripping Mr G,
I squealed ' Mine, pink, my points there!' To his credit, he completely understood that my chemo brain could not at that moment find the words stretch limo, or even car, but could shout pink and mine!

This is a perfect example of one of the invisible side effects of chemo - word loss!
Today has been a good day. Cancer was put in its place.

Hair and tears...

My hair has been growing for three weeks now and my head is covered with down. My eyebrows are starting to grow back too. Now, when I shower, I have to gently pat my head dry so I don't damage the baby hair.

I'm told that this baby hair will be replaced in time by proper hair. To properly care for my new hair I quickly realised that the hair care implements from before, would not do. I have those brushes with plastic spikes for blowdrying, these would simply cut my scalp to ribbons.
So yesterday, I went and bought some more suitable hair care tools.

Aren't they lovely! The brush is really soft and is gentle on fluff and scalp. The comb will need to wait until the hair has enough length to lie down.

I have often said how much I appreciate Mr G. I would certainly have struggled to cope on my own. Ever since I first became ill, remember this saga began on 7th January, he has supported me, held me, hugged me and cared for me. He has been very tired recently with the pressures of end of year work in a large and busy school technology department as well as looking after me. Things came to a head this morning. The house has suffered with me in the dark side and Mr G tired out from work. We started straightening up this morning and exchanged some uncharacteristically sharp words over the jobs. The upshot was that poor Mr G went into meltdown. I have rarely seen anyone sob so hard. This of course set me off and we huddled on the stairs weeping in each others arms. It really brought it home to me what an immense burden cancer puts on everyone involved in it. As Mr G so rightly says, there seems no end to it all. Although my treatment ends soon with my final chemo, this does not remove the spectre of cancer from our lives. We still have to live with it day in, day out. We have to learn to live in spite of it. None of this has been helped with my Local Authority sending me letters saying that my sick pay was being halved next month because I 'am unable' to return to work! I can't work , work is closed!! I have sent in my Fit to work certificate. Fortunately our School Bursar is not a jobsworth and is going to sort it out for me during her school holiday. Mr G knows I am blogging about this. We are fine, if tired from the meltdown. Mr G had internalised all his pain and worry for months and months, I'm not surprised he crashed. We will continue to love and care for each other like we always do.
We are strong, cancer won't break us.

Oh no! I'm stuck...

Having survived my CT scan yesterday, I spent today occupying the sofa, as has become my habit. Our sofa is a dual recliner, the seats recline manually. This is important information. In order to sit up, the foot part of the sofa needs to be pressed down by one's legs and pushed into place and clicked locked.

I have not been in the habit of reclining my part of the sofa. However my feet have been swelling badly lately so I have been resting with them up.
The CT scan yesterday was ok, I had one before but was ill at the time and I do not remember it clearly. The main problem was that I had to stretch my arms above my head, pulling my tummy down, and then hold my breath. Something did not like that - I have a tweak in my abdomen. I won't dwell on the injection that makes your mouth taste of metal cleaner and gives the sensation of wetting one's pants. My pants were and are completely dry I hasten to add!
Anyway - the tweak!
The tweak became obvious when I turned over in bed, but was not too much of an issue as I warmed up moving through the morning. It was fine as I pottered down to the Doctors with my prescription request. The tweak was fine when I had lunch and hung out some washing. The tweak was fine as I had a cup of coffee. The tweak struck after Mr G got home. Flushed with success, happy that Mr G was home, I reclined the recliner. The customary jerk backwards was overcome - I reclined happily. All was well until I decided to unrecline myself. I deployed my legs. I did not unrecline. The tweak hurt! I tried pushing my legs down once more.. I was stuck! My legs out in front of me, I was cast. Mr G was laughing.
I was getting hot and bothered. I managed to shift my weight forward into my legs. With herculean effort, and gritting my teeth through the tweak, I extricated myself from the clutches of the sofa. Free at last!
I am writing this sitting squarely on the sofa - no more reclining until the tweak has healed.

All the bad stuff...

Today I'm fed up - sooooo here goes...

Yup, in all their glory - the BAD BITS.

Losing and growing hair hurts - nasty tender scalp.
Your skin does not fit anymore - it peels or becomes tight.
You can't rely on your digestion at all, crippling constipation or raging runs.
Your favourite foods taste horrid.
There is no let up - there are no holidays from treatment.
Everything is exhausting - sitting down, standing up, all of it.
Everything is confusing. It takes enormous effort to understand what is going on (see above).
It makes me cry - I hate uncertainty. I have nothing but uncertainty.
It hurts - treatment hurts, it makes you sick and sore, in ways you never imagined.

... and yet, through all this, my friends, my family and the much and always beloved Mr G, see in grumpy, snotty, tear stained me, someone that they love, and they carry me...

Thank you xxxx

Full steam ahead...

Today is the day before Chemo number Five. This 'good week' I have had a fabulous time doing lots of living. The first thing was a Wedding Party in Essex. The success of my previous head decoration led me to put fake tattoos on my head once more.

What I hadn't known was that the Wedding had a butterfly theme so I was spot on. I had a brilliant time busting some shapes on the dance floor but alas had to leave before the clock struck twelve as I had hit the wall.
Sunday saw us up at six to head out to join the Tube to the Car Show. Lots of Smart cars travelling together = Tube of Smarties, get it? I had a wonderful day, lots of friends, chat and laughter.
Yesterday I had a long anticipated day at school. I had prepared a back to work plan in consultation with my Macmillan Nurse, my GP and my Head teacher. This day was about keeping in touch and looking forward to September. It was a profoundly moving day. Without exception every single child I saw said 'Hello'. Most expressed pleasure at seeing me. Many asked with happy faces if I was REALLY back now? It was with real sadness that I had to say, not yet, I still need more strong medicine. Despite this sadness, it was a joy to be back with much missed children,  friends and colleagues. I've never had so many hugs.
I spent the day separating my belongings from school resources and packed them up ready to be moved for me next week. I won't be well enough to go in and help as I will be deep in chemo week.
I have had such a good time recently that I am quite apprehensive about this next chemo. I have felt well, vigourous, and energised. Yes, I was tired after packing up my room, but as I told myself with the voice of sense that I would have been tired doing that when I am well! What will keep me going tomorrow is this vision of life after chemo I have had. I know going back to work will be a challenge, but I've never baulked at a challenge in my life. I have been reassured that I will be supported and allowed any flexibility I need to help me cope.
Two more chemo's, then full steam ahead!