Stuff...

I'm really glad I have an appointment with my counsellor this month. I have found the last few weeks very difficult. Hindsight tells me that a punt at a new job was probably premature. It was not the 'not getting it' that made me wobble, but the unfairness of the interview process... I am pleased I got an interview though. I am pleased I found the chutzpah to tell the person who interviewed me that I thought the way she organised the day was unfair. I also realise that I had a lucky escape! I am disappointed in myself that I felt so worried that I might be 'found out' having cancer, for goodness sake!

I found out that Christmas made me very wobbly too. I refused to be drawn into the frantic over preparation for the Feast of Christ. That refusal did not change the fact that the last couple of weeks before the Christmas holidays were tough beyond belief. Thirty hyped up children would, I realise, actually challenge anybody during that period, and many of my much younger colleagues were also on their knees. It took me the whole week before Christmas to regain my equilibrium.

My role as Mummy got a reprise this Christmas. My beloved daughter went into labour early on Christmas Day, she still had not delivered her baby by the end of Boxing Day. Every maternal nerve was twitching. I knew her husband would be, and was, her voice, advocate and help. I rested very uneasily on Boxing Night, awoke extremely worried on 27 December. I was in the shower when Mr G shouted that I was a Granny again, to a boy named Ellis William, weighing 10lb 5oz.  I wept with relief to know they were both safe. The powerful maternal emotions evoked by her suffering were hard to bear, especially as I was helpless. I suspect that the helplessness I felt was felt by others during my treatment!

As the anniversary of my first fears of cancer approaches, I'm considering my future. I'm well at the moment and am looking at my life as a well person. I would love to live a less driven life, but that means changes happening that are to some extent out of my direct control. I'm fed-up that my life is being made harder by the strictures placed upon me personally and professionally by a government I did not elect. I am trying hard not to be the grumpy woman I could so easily be.

I guess the fact that I weathered the recent trying times by wobbling and crying a bit, proves that I am regaining my resilience. I have feared that the relentless crying might return but it did not. We are all entitled to cry and go a bit wobbly. It is hard for those of us journeying with cancer to remember that everyone has down times, is anxious, cries etc. I think we often judge ourselves harshly and feel we should be above such petty issues. 2012 will feature me remembering that my spirit does not have to be invincible, nor do I have to be immune to wobbles and tears. I really hope that I can move my life on the way I want it to go. I'll tell you this, it won't be from the lack of trying :-)

The First Three Month Check Up.

In the whirlwind that has been re-entry to the Planet Earth of work and life post surgery and chemo, I had my Big Party, and managed to shove Cancer beyond everyday worry. I haven't had a counselling appointment for a while, and have immersed myself in applying for a new job (that's going to be a post on Well, I Never, if I ever get over my crossness), and the demands of teaching 30 seven and eight year olds. Cancer was something that had happened to me, in my past, not worth the time to worry,
Oh, how wrong I was, as today's appointment loomed closer, I got more and more stressed. Sharp words were exchanged, I could not concentrate.
As I sat in the waiting area, which was uncharacteristically quiet, I was offered the customary hot drink and biscuits, I accepted gratefully. I had brought my book but was too restless to read. The department secretary took a call which clearly was about someone who had died. My anxiety rose. My name was called.
Dr M. greeted me with her usual cheer. I told her I felt very well (I do!), better in fact than I have done for a couple of years. She examined me, felt my neck and collar bone area. palpated my tummy, and said that all seemed well. We chatted a bit about my new granddaughter and the baby due very soon, and I said my goodbyes and left.
I should have been ecstatic. I am well, there is no evidence of active disease.
I cried, I fretted, I railed... I do not want to hear 'I'm well now' but still have years of worry and concern, the rest of  my life in fact! I want to know CANCER will never come back. I know that can NEVER happen. Cancer moved back into my waking life again.
My day did not finish there though. I wrapped some Christmas presents. I looked at pictures of my granddaughters visiting Santa. I finally finished the work that had been dogging me. I took a long hard look at my life. Mr G came home and hugged me.
I shoved Cancer back where it belongs.
I took control of that which I can control and moved on. I acknowledged the pain and uncertainty, then I looked elsewhere. I chose to encircle myself with all the good things I have.
I am very glad to be well and alive.

Please see my new blog too!

I'm writing more stuff here , my newer blog.  Please visit me xx

Well, gosh ...

I received an email today from a lady called Emma telling me that she had mentioned my blog on her blog BBC - The Ouch! Blog  I am astonished that my telling of my story has reached so far. It started out as a vehicle for me to story my life during my journey through cancer surgery, treatment and the subsequent emotional fallout. I hope, in the nicest possible way, that I can eventually draw a line under cancer. Until then though I will keep writing on This and That to keep my story going. Thank you for reading it.

Another big step...

Saw my counsellor today, and she is very pleased with my progress. I had a real epiphany after the last session and managed a lot of 'stuff' sorting in my head. Someone said that we should seize the power. That power is within us all, we just need to find it. I found my power on November 3 2011. I absolutely refuse to worry about something COMPLETELY outside my influence. So I'm getting on with my life. I've been investigating a new job. If I get it, it will challenge me but not bring me to my knees. I am ready for this. All I can say is 'Bring it on'

And here are two very good reasons for living every scrap of my life well!

The fallout... and the rise of Ali.

I have realised that after telling you all I was to have counselling, I have been very quiet on this blog. Tomorrow, it will be three months since my last chemo. They have been eventful and bumpy. I have been back at work since 5 September. The return was both good and bad. The emotional fallout was awful, my unpredictable tears frightened others and appalled me. The good has been getting back to what I love best and getting to know my new class and sharing time with my much missed colleagues. My stamina has returned along with Belly Dancing classes. I am gently shedding the chemo and steroid weight, and will persevere to lose a bit more too.

When I finished my counselling session today, I went up to the chemo suite, to say hello to the nurses and set a few ghosts out of the way. The smell of the chemo was a shock, but the nurses were so thrilled to see me looking so well and with so much hair. They cooed, and fussed and hugged me. It was totally the right thing to have done, and fitted well with the last remarks from my session.
I feel strong. This is so good. I realise now that this time last year, I was finding living hard, suffering from inexplicable exhaustion. So life is good.

On Saturday we have the Party. This will in no way be an anticlimax, because above all it is my personal celebration of me. To have reached this point in spite of my cancer is a huge landmark in my life. So many things have culminated to allow me to finally love myself, truly for the first time in my life. This poor battered body bears the marks and scars of a lifetime of stretching, pushing, pulling, cutting and healing, but ultimately it has not let me down. I am not going to fret about bl**dy pensions and retirement age. I will not let things I cannot control  take charge of my life. I choose to live my way. While my heart beats in this body I will celebrate being Ali. I am wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, stepdaughter, auntie, stepmum, daughter in law, sister in law, teacher, all equally. My love, my spirit, my all, I give to living my life to the full, one day at a time, for who ever knows what is around the corner.

A little bit poorly...

Having returned to work, I have been really busy but collected a cold last week. This has now developed into a chest infection. I saw the Out of Hours Service this morning and have antibiotics. It seems strange to have a 'normal' poorly, after all those months under treatment, ever facing the threat of Serious Infections. I actually feel very put out by it, as I felt sure I would be fine once back at work. This was ridiculous given that I work in a germ factory, commonly known as a school!

 I am working hard on my work/life balance. Work, unfortunately, is winning. Not because I am not organised but because there is SO much work to do. I am also tiring very easily so am heading for bed at 8.30 pm, missing much of my evening. I am actively trying to redress the balance, but it will take time. The first promise I made was not to take work home. This has bitten me on the bum this weekend, because if I am not fit for work tomorrow I can't get my data done, as I did not bring home my evidence!! Doh! I have not worked out a way round that one yet.
 
One successful part of work/life balance has been keeping up with friends! This is a source of great joy, usually preceded with the cry "Look you've got hair!" This completely mystifies those not in the know, as I now have enough hair to style, well, sort of!  I have a cap of silvery, still baby soft hair. I think I will keep the colour natural now, even though I could dye it in February.

I have my assessment for counselling next week. Although I know it will be hard, I recognise I need help to deal with all that has happened. If I look at my life, post treatment for cancer, it is bitter sweet. Bitter, because I don't think I'll ever feel able to draw a line under cancer. Bitter, because I have friends who are dying from the disease. Sweet, because I can enjoy life more fully again. Sweet, because I've been able to play with Rachel, my granddaughter, once again. Sweet, because I'm looking forward to being an active Granny to my two soon to be born grandchildren. Life is bitter sweet always.