Thursday, 3 November 2011

The fallout... and the rise of Ali.

I have realised that after telling you all I was to have counselling, I have been very quiet on this blog. Tomorrow, it will be three months since my last chemo. They have been eventful and bumpy. I have been back at work since 5 September. The return was both good and bad. The emotional fallout was awful, my unpredictable tears frightened others and appalled me. The good has been getting back to what I love best and getting to know my new class and sharing time with my much missed colleagues. My stamina has returned along with Belly Dancing classes. I am gently shedding the chemo and steroid weight, and will persevere to lose a bit more too.

When I finished my counselling session today, I went up to the chemo suite, to say hello to the nurses and set a few ghosts out of the way. The smell of the chemo was a shock, but the nurses were so thrilled to see me looking so well and with so much hair. They cooed, and fussed and hugged me. It was totally the right thing to have done, and fitted well with the last remarks from my session.
I feel strong. This is so good. I realise now that this time last year, I was finding living hard, suffering from inexplicable exhaustion. So life is good.

On Saturday we have the Party. This will in no way be an anticlimax, because above all it is my personal celebration of me. To have reached this point in spite of my cancer is a huge landmark in my life. So many things have culminated to allow me to finally love myself, truly for the first time in my life. This poor battered body bears the marks and scars of a lifetime of stretching, pushing, pulling, cutting and healing, but ultimately it has not let me down. I am not going to fret about bl**dy pensions and retirement age. I will not let things I cannot control  take charge of my life. I choose to live my way. While my heart beats in this body I will celebrate being Ali. I am wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, stepdaughter, auntie, stepmum, daughter in law, sister in law, teacher, all equally. My love, my spirit, my all, I give to living my life to the full, one day at a time, for who ever knows what is around the corner.