I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I keep crying over the most ridiculous things. As I have told people, someone only has to look at me sideways and the bottom lip goes. Returning to work this week has been a challenge. Everyone is being wonderful, but some parts have been quite overwhelming. So much to remember and so much, potentially to do! I am my own worst enemy in that if something metaphorically has my name on it, I like it to be excellent!
I know I was not at my best for the half year I taught in the last academic year. As I discovered, my cancer was already taking its toll on my body. I was utterly exhausted all the time and was finding it hard to manage stuff at home, giving all my energy to work.
My tearfulness shows no rhyme or reason. However, having talked things over with a few people, I can now see why I might be so emotionally fragile. Ever since I had my surgery, and started my treatment, I have just kept going, I have not allowed myself many tears. This was largely because I was afraid if I really got going I would not be able to stop! I have made myself be strong, and of course, every three weeks I was getting lots of support in the chemo unit. Now, no more chemo unit and to be quite honest, I've been strong for long enough. I have got to deal with my emotions. I've got to deal with something like a bereavement. I've lost a chunk of my life and in a way I have lost my innocence. I knew nothing of what a human body can endure before all this except through childbirth, and now I've been changed forever.
While essentially I am the same Ali, my outlook on life has shifted. Things that used to bother me no longer do. Those things that irritated me often don't matter at all. However, some things that I took in my stride do now reduce me to tears. I have many 'for heavens sake' moments at MYSELF. I'd give anything not to lose words while having conversations. I'm hoping this improves over time. I have no doubt that some of my tears are due to frustration. Frustration that I'm not yet strong enough to complete tasks like I used to be able to, frustration that my stamina has not yet returned.
The sensible part of me knows I am being totally unreasonable. The child in me says why not be unreasonable after all you have been through! The adult in me says 'Grow up!'
I do know that in time, I'll stop crying, my frustrations will ease, and I'll stop feeling so cross with myself. Until then, please stand by with the tissues...
*slips a small packet of tissues into Ali's handbag because cheapo school ones are rough on the schnoz* x
ReplyDeleteOh thank you very much - they'll be very useful xxx
ReplyDeleteI hope the forgiving part of you allows you to just be you at the moment. 'This too shall pass' is my motto and although I couldn't begin to imagine what you've been through, I feel it's vitally important (for your own sanity) to allow yourself this rollercoaster ride at the moment. I am so grateful for your honesty and if I could I'd give you a big hug, a bar of chocolate and mansize Kleenex xx
ReplyDeleteWhat Birdy said!
ReplyDeleteGo easy on yourself, you're going through a grieving process :( You've been so strong for so long, it's only natural at some point that it'll hit you.
Big hugs x
Again Mrs G I feel like your post could be my post! I feel like telling you to be easy on yourself but I know how it feels not to want to disappoint everyone else. Are we our own worst enemies???
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you Ali
Erin. Xx
Omg I am experiencing much the same after returning to work a month ago. Everyone asks if I'm doing to much to soon and I reply "yes I am". I am very emotional now and very reflective yet hardly cried through the 5 months at home. I just feel overwhelmed at times and wonder if I will cope running the business like I used to. it's bloody tough tryin to get back to how things used to be xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the lovely comments - I no longer think I'm the only one! Hugs go out to those who feel the way I do xxxxx
ReplyDeleteYour blog is an inspirational read. Teaching is an impossible job at the best of times and you've been thru more than many could imagine. Sending you bundles of tisues,hugs and P.M.A xx tears make you stronger
ReplyDeleteI was going to try to say something useful but then I read Nichola's post and she said it all. Cry all you need to my lovely...because you DO need to xxxx
ReplyDeleteAli, who am I to make any further comment beyond what the lovely ladies have already said, but I feel I owe it to you and your guts to acknowledge your post too. I believe you have been through possibly the most traumatic experience in your life so far, with the wonderful Mr G beside you, and now you are " waiting to exhale" perhaps ?
ReplyDeleteInside yourself you have journeyed to the ends of the emotional earth, they say when you leave home you can never return, again another metaphor, but things are now changed, and you see life with new eyes. New eyes have to adjust, sometimes the light is too bright... sometimes we need our emotional Optrex or RayBands,
Its natural and part of the process... as all your friends have said, to cry.
I hope I haven't spoken out of turn Ali,
Love
Ali P
Hi Ali,
ReplyDeletePlease don't be too hard on yourself, you said yourself that your body has endured so much & I think it's only when we stop the whirlwind of hospital appointments that we sit back & realise what a massive thing has just happened to us.
I too hardly cried from date of diagnosis but as soon as I was 'left to my own devices' & started Tamoxifen & Zoladex, the floodgates opened!
I have really found comfort in talking to my counsellor, she's made me realise that I spent a large amount of my time 'protecting' other people from what was REALLY going on in my head, talking to her (about anything & everything) has really 'sorted me out', I saw her for the last time today (cos I'm moving to Liverpool next week)& she reminded me of what I've been through & how far I've come in the 9 weeks that I've been seeing her. I couldn't have done it without her - even though I'm usually so 'strong & independant' - I had to admit that I needed to talk through my feelings & I'm so glad that I did, maybe a session or two might help you too?
Cos you have been through a lot but you know what? EVERYTHING you're thinking is NORMAL.
But sometimes it just takes an 'outsider' who is 'looking in' to help us to put all of this into perspective.
Maybe it's not your thing?
I didn't ever think that seeing a counsellor would be mine either but I tell you what, I am SO GLAD that I did. And, I think when the dust settles in Liverpool after the move, that I may continue with it cos it has been invaluable.
Makes me think I should have been seeing a counsellor for years actually!!
Take care, sending you lots of hugs & love as always, go easy on yourself honey, you're amazing & if you need to have a little cry now & again, there's nothing wrong with that at all.
Love ya, Chez. xx
My Macmillan nurse has said I can talk to her, but she is so busy she is hard to track down. Nothing has been said about counselling. I 'suspect' that us ovarian cancer sufferers slip between the cracks. At my unit, there is no headscarf/makeup type stuff, the wig place is in a converted container and we are largely left to get on with it! I've been told that my Oncologist is very pleased with me, quite for what I'm not sure. Maybe just for surviving. I might be able to access something through work, but I'll wait a few weeks and see how I go.
ReplyDeleteJust been trying to email you (but your 'contact me' button is disabled). Didn't mean to write such a lengthy comment, sorry!
ReplyDeleteMarie Curie could put you in touch with someone....when &/or if you're ready of course. xx
Thank you - have fixed 'Contact me' button!
ReplyDelete