One year ago today I had my first chemotherapy session. I blogged about it at the time. In some ways much of last year now feels like a dream. In other ways, the normal things I am doing, feel like it is the first time again. I REALLY enjoyed my Easter break. We did nothing extra special really. We celebrated Mr G's birthday. We saw our wider family. However, I was not sore recovering from surgery, I was not forbidden any foods, I was not at risk of dangerous infections, I was able to live a normal life. It is VERY hard to articulate to those for whom this has not happened just how good it feels. The even more amazing thing is that that wonder at living a normal life does not go away. I even find that the less lovely bits of normal life, while still upsetting do not have as much effect.
I am very cross I have not got my house deposit back, and that I face a fight to try to get it back. However, it is not the total disaster it once would have been. Yes, I've cried, but no-one is going to die over it, I am not going to die because of it, therefore it is not earth shattering.
Life, post cancer treatment, is strange. For days and weeks, I can almost forget about cancer. Then something reminds me. A check up, a glimpse of an upsetting advert, even the reminders of the Race for Life I am doing. Then I am catapulted back to thinking about cancer. I think it will always be so. Maybe the adrenaline dump will lessen. I hope so, I do not enjoy that fight or flight lurch of my heart.
I do enjoy life. I love life. The ups and downs are there, but they are infinitely preferable to the alternative.
Hi Ali,
ReplyDeleteI always read your blogs, amazed by all that you write,from up to down to wherever you feel, it is always brave and strong.
It is not the same, because it was my daughter.. but, when she was born with a potentially fatal condition, and needed heart surgery a few weeks after she was born, the trauma of those weeks and subsequent months post surgery when she was suffering complications, became a blur... she was born in March and it just felt like one long March.. we didn't notice the seasons, or the world.. everything was centred on getting it through..
There was this constant shadow and apprehensive cloud that smothered everything else.
There were days when she was finally home when for a little while we could do what mum's and babies should do, enjoying the precious moments, just cuddling her free of tubes and monitors. However there were very sharp moments when just the opposite happened.. even someone staring in the street as we walked by with tubes and oxygen cylinders strapped to the pram took up their unbridled curiosity.I can understand how this fascinated others.. but it was so hard to ignore their stares.. and it destroyed the fact that I was a mum out for a walk in the fresh air on a summer day with her baby in a pram, something which should have been pure bliss.
As i said Ali, this is not the same as your past year's experience, and I hope it has not offended you, but it reminded me of the journey of Rosie's first year,the fear, the emotions, and never taking anything for granted, particularly her life.
I hope that there will be more and more lovely bits of life for you, and fewer less lovely bits as time goes on.
I couldn't cope going back to the hospital with Rosie for check ups, after her surgery, even though they had saved her,it used to make me feel so "contaminated", I think that is the word, and it seemed that the place and the feeling it evoked within me, could not be got rid of when we came home from such appointments. It was as if it was a smell that lingered. It took till the next day for me to be able to shake it off, sleep seemed to partition that experience.
Well , forgive me if any of this has offended you, I know that what you have endured and experienced is quite different, but reading how you feel just echoed my experience, and I wanted to say that it helped me to feel that it was normal to feel that way.
I'm not offended at all. I appreciate the comment and can fully understand how hard your journey with Rosie was. Comment all you like, Ali, I'm glad to share my space with a beautiful woman like you xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Ali,
ReplyDeleteIt is so good to be reading your blog 'one year on'. Huge congratulations!! I too agree in terms of the 'perspective on life thing'. If something is bad but doesn't affect your health then in the grand scheme of things....well, its not that important is it?
Since I contacted you a few months ago Mum is 5 chemo sessions through with one to go. She doesn't really 'get' blogging but when I stayed over Easter and she was worried that her hair wouldn't return I was able to show her a picture of you and say, 'see this lady has been through the same treatment and hers has come back'. Maybe it doesn't seem like much but she was so heartened by it and I wanted to let you know that your blog has made a little difference to someone (albeit a stranger).
Thank you Ali & roll on year 2!!! xxx
Alex, Thank you for this comment. I really hope your Mum recovers quickly from her chemo. Warn her the first hair is white and very soft, proper hair comes after a while. Glad my blog was of help xx
ReplyDeleteCongratulations - I think those of us who've walked a similar path will all 'get' exactly what you're saying. I think you're right, as time passes the intensity diminishes, but it never quite goes away. Good luck with your race for life... I am doing a climb up Ben Nevis in September to mark my two years since bc dx so getting in training too.
ReplyDeleteCatriona, Ben Nevis! Wow! Gosh I really admire you for that. Thank you for the comments xx
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