As I write, the chemotherapy drug is hopefully zapping the active cancer cells on my peritoneum.
What I feel is the battleground of side effects and the myriad of drugs I need to deal with them.
I had a fabulous memory making weekend with my family. My littlest granddaughter overcame her shyness to throw herself into my arms and hold my hand. She allowed Grandad to help her on the soft play equipment right to the top! She and my grandson had a baby chat at my knee, neither using words but clearly exchanging meaning.
I bought eggs for an Easter Egg Hunt complete with special bags to put eggs in. My own children enjoyed that too.
I made cookies with my oldest granddaughter, we used pre-prepared mix so it was easy (for both of us). They were delicious.
We went to the zoo, it was freezing cold, but such fun. Seeing my granddaughters face to face with marmosets was priceless. I swear the marmosets were looking at my girls as hard as they were looking at them.
So, everyone went home. Mr G and I tidied up the escaped finger puppets and I surveyed the rest of my life.
How might it be? What will actually kill me?
Truth is no-one can say. So there is no point in speculating, frightening me and those I love, when no-one can say.
When I went for chemo yesterday, I had to be very brave. It was very difficult allowing the nurse to insert the cannula into my hand. This time the chemo drug is not labelled life saving but life extending.
Today, I went for a walk. I got out my Teeny Tiny Textile Art materials. I noticed the toilet needs cleaning!
In short, my life is going on. It is my efforts alone that will dictate if it is a life worth living.
I'll make it a life worth living. I am worth it!
You certainly are. I hope that blogging is helping a little. Lots of love coming your way.
ReplyDeleteOh Ali, i think it is like this, apart from the awful discomfort that you are enduring, we each have no more guarrantee than each other. No one knows what the next day brings, as life demonstrates so often on the news... in the papers, on the radio etc. None of us can even know that we shall see tomorrow. We may expect to, we may even put things in our diaries for weeks ahead, but none of that really secures it happening. All that any of us has is the moment we are in, and the day we are in.. yesterday is history for everyone, and tomorrow is not here yet.
ReplyDeleteI know you are so clever, more successful academically than I will ever be, and so, please don't think that this is meant to patronize you, I simply wouldn't dream of it. What is true, is that when regarding our tomorrows,(even though some might not like to accept it),is that all that any of us ever have is now. Its what we do with the time that matters, and I think that You probably have 20:20 vision on this !
My motto has been for a long time Carpe Diem, that doesn't mean run around like a madman (unless that is how you wish to spend that day), but do your best with the day. If that is spending the day reading a good book, so be it, its about us all making the most of each day,isn't it ?.
I love that you had such a full weekend,and hope that you will feel better tomorrow. Sod the toilet.. get Mr G to do it...and do whatever it is that you feel up to doing instead, unless you really do fancy a date with Toilet Duck? :)
Forgive me if anything I've said offends, I really don't ever want to do that.
You are still Amazing Ali - and I hope to soon see more of your Teeny Tiny Textile Art , spring flowers or rain clouds, shiny brooks or muddy puddles, whatever you feel needs to be created.
"Keep Calm and Carry On Blogging"
Yes, You Are Worth It !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!