Lovely people tell me that I am stoical, resilient, awesome, amazing, great and many other undeserved epiphets. Why do I think they are undeserved? My view is that I'm just getting on with things, doing what has to be done. Us chemo patients do have a choice. We are strongly advised to undertake, what in my case is called adjuvant, chemotherapy (belt and braces chemo!). We sign a consent form. At the time one signs the form, knowledge of what is to come is purely theoretical, although a LOT of information is given. It is not until you sit in the chair and have the cannula (needle) put in the back of your hand, that there dawns a sense of inevitability. The procedure will happen. At the first session all is new and scary, but you don't know what is to come. At my second session, I no longer felt like the new girl. I knew the procedure. I had mastered waltzing with with Percy. Happily, I had had no really nasty side effects after the first session. I was, perhaps, a little complacent.
I have blogged about some of the events of chemo cycle two, I will add it was grim. I had a hard time for perhaps 16 days out of the 21 days of the cycle.
Today, when I saw the doctor and they told me the wonderful news about my Ca125 test (cancer marker in blood indicating Ovarian Cancer in some cases, it did in mine) was down from 102 to 13. Normal is 0 to 35. I was very pleased but then had a meltdown. I realised I still had four more cycles to go. They 'could' all be as awful as the last one. After talking to my Macmillan Nurse and the doctor they reassured me that I was doing really well, that they were extremely pleased with my progress. But I was still scared, worried and anxious. My hands were shaking.
As I went up to the chemo suite, I went with trepidation. But I went, I sat down. I had my chemo. You can say I was brave. It was my act of courage.
I think bravery and courage come in many forms! To go back to something like chemo over and over is incredibly brave. But Ali you are so much more than that. You continue to share your journey in such a positive way with others. So many people comment to you that you make them both laugh and cry. You share willingly and bare your soul and THAT is true courage. I have learnt so much about the cancer journey by reading your blogs...and I'm a cancer survivor for goodness sake. So the epiphets...every single positive one of them is richly and warmly deserved! Kia kaha my friend xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for these beautiful words. Love you my friend xx
ReplyDeleteIt is brave... I cried to a nurse the other day and said I didn't want to do it anymore, I said that I really didn't think the cancer was in me now or that it would ever come back- I just had a feeling I was cancer free! I thought I was going through all this for nothing! Then I heard how ridiculous I sounded and got on with my treatment!
ReplyDeleteMy chemo buddy had a really bad reaction yesterday on the chemo suite. It was damn scary. She really will have to be really brave to come back next time. We are all BRAVE.
ReplyDelete