I had a counselling session this morning. I've been a bit wobbly for the last three weeks. The cause has come from many sources, all completely unrelated, but have, as a combination, resulted in the weepy Alison returning. Some of the worries are all sorted. Some are ongoing and completely beyond my control. None are to do with my physical health. It was a surprise when my counsellor said I had done very well, as I felt the weepy me was not a success. However, she said I was doing well, I was still functioning normally, so I had done well in dealing with, what she acknowledged were, serious challenges to my equanimity.
I have been practising my mindfulness. This technique involves looking at a fear or a worry, with eyes open so to speak, and then choosing to think of something else consciously.
This has not been the answer to other areas that are concerning me related to my work. I was advised this morning to practise not allowing my feelings to hijack me. Our responses to the demands of others directly affect how we feel. It was suggested that when something very stressful happens, I should mentally create space for myself. Our lives have ebbs and flows, good days and bad days, good times and bad times. It is how we respond to the difficulties that colour our emotions and our psyche.
I need to worry less for others, I need to be much less hard on my self ( this one surprised me!). I need to learn to take a mental deep breath, and give myself processing time.
It is when things are most stressful and most demanding that the space becomes more vital.
This week, my worries and fears and the demands that had been put on me completely stopped my creative thought processes. I was stuck in a brain made traffic jam. This was causing me to panic. There is a deadline, for which I require my creative thought processes so that I can meet expectations, and I could not begin to prepare to meet it. Yet, last night, I freed up. I dreamt the creative thoughts I need. It was such a relief. I did it by giving my mind the space and sleep I needed. Our minds are wonderful things. I now understand that it is my own responses that create the unhappiness. I cannot control all of them but I can definitely mitigate the effects.
Last week, massage, this week, mind space, maybe next week I'll remember to moisturise the itchy place on my leg...
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
My first Award.
The very lovely Becky who blogs here has given me an Award. I am thrilled by this as Becky has been blogging for much longer than me. I do know that this blog is read in lots of countries. I hope it continues to inform and entertain.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Stuff...
I'm really glad I have an appointment with my counsellor this month. I have found the last few weeks very difficult. Hindsight tells me that a punt at a new job was probably premature. It was not the 'not getting it' that made me wobble, but the unfairness of the interview process... I am pleased I got an interview though. I am pleased I found the chutzpah to tell the person who interviewed me that I thought the way she organised the day was unfair. I also realise that I had a lucky escape! I am disappointed in myself that I felt so worried that I might be 'found out' having cancer, for goodness sake!
I found out that Christmas made me very wobbly too. I refused to be drawn into the frantic over preparation for the Feast of Christ. That refusal did not change the fact that the last couple of weeks before the Christmas holidays were tough beyond belief. Thirty hyped up children would, I realise, actually challenge anybody during that period, and many of my much younger colleagues were also on their knees. It took me the whole week before Christmas to regain my equilibrium.
My role as Mummy got a reprise this Christmas. My beloved daughter went into labour early on Christmas Day, she still had not delivered her baby by the end of Boxing Day. Every maternal nerve was twitching. I knew her husband would be, and was, her voice, advocate and help. I rested very uneasily on Boxing Night, awoke extremely worried on 27 December. I was in the shower when Mr G shouted that I was a Granny again, to a boy named Ellis William, weighing 10lb 5oz. I wept with relief to know they were both safe. The powerful maternal emotions evoked by her suffering were hard to bear, especially as I was helpless. I suspect that the helplessness I felt was felt by others during my treatment!
As the anniversary of my first fears of cancer approaches, I'm considering my future. I'm well at the moment and am looking at my life as a well person. I would love to live a less driven life, but that means changes happening that are to some extent out of my direct control. I'm fed-up that my life is being made harder by the strictures placed upon me personally and professionally by a government I did not elect. I am trying hard not to be the grumpy woman I could so easily be.
I guess the fact that I weathered the recent trying times by wobbling and crying a bit, proves that I am regaining my resilience. I have feared that the relentless crying might return but it did not. We are all entitled to cry and go a bit wobbly. It is hard for those of us journeying with cancer to remember that everyone has down times, is anxious, cries etc. I think we often judge ourselves harshly and feel we should be above such petty issues. 2012 will feature me remembering that my spirit does not have to be invincible, nor do I have to be immune to wobbles and tears. I really hope that I can move my life on the way I want it to go. I'll tell you this, it won't be from the lack of trying :-)
I found out that Christmas made me very wobbly too. I refused to be drawn into the frantic over preparation for the Feast of Christ. That refusal did not change the fact that the last couple of weeks before the Christmas holidays were tough beyond belief. Thirty hyped up children would, I realise, actually challenge anybody during that period, and many of my much younger colleagues were also on their knees. It took me the whole week before Christmas to regain my equilibrium.
My role as Mummy got a reprise this Christmas. My beloved daughter went into labour early on Christmas Day, she still had not delivered her baby by the end of Boxing Day. Every maternal nerve was twitching. I knew her husband would be, and was, her voice, advocate and help. I rested very uneasily on Boxing Night, awoke extremely worried on 27 December. I was in the shower when Mr G shouted that I was a Granny again, to a boy named Ellis William, weighing 10lb 5oz. I wept with relief to know they were both safe. The powerful maternal emotions evoked by her suffering were hard to bear, especially as I was helpless. I suspect that the helplessness I felt was felt by others during my treatment!
As the anniversary of my first fears of cancer approaches, I'm considering my future. I'm well at the moment and am looking at my life as a well person. I would love to live a less driven life, but that means changes happening that are to some extent out of my direct control. I'm fed-up that my life is being made harder by the strictures placed upon me personally and professionally by a government I did not elect. I am trying hard not to be the grumpy woman I could so easily be.
I guess the fact that I weathered the recent trying times by wobbling and crying a bit, proves that I am regaining my resilience. I have feared that the relentless crying might return but it did not. We are all entitled to cry and go a bit wobbly. It is hard for those of us journeying with cancer to remember that everyone has down times, is anxious, cries etc. I think we often judge ourselves harshly and feel we should be above such petty issues. 2012 will feature me remembering that my spirit does not have to be invincible, nor do I have to be immune to wobbles and tears. I really hope that I can move my life on the way I want it to go. I'll tell you this, it won't be from the lack of trying :-)
Thursday, 15 December 2011
The First Three Month Check Up.
In the whirlwind that has been re-entry to the Planet Earth of work and life post surgery and chemo, I had my Big Party, and managed to shove Cancer beyond everyday worry. I haven't had a counselling appointment for a while, and have immersed myself in applying for a new job (that's going to be a post on Well, I Never, if I ever get over my crossness), and the demands of teaching 30 seven and eight year olds. Cancer was something that had happened to me, in my past, not worth the time to worry,
Oh, how wrong I was, as today's appointment loomed closer, I got more and more stressed. Sharp words were exchanged, I could not concentrate.
As I sat in the waiting area, which was uncharacteristically quiet, I was offered the customary hot drink and biscuits, I accepted gratefully. I had brought my book but was too restless to read. The department secretary took a call which clearly was about someone who had died. My anxiety rose. My name was called.
Dr M. greeted me with her usual cheer. I told her I felt very well (I do!), better in fact than I have done for a couple of years. She examined me, felt my neck and collar bone area. palpated my tummy, and said that all seemed well. We chatted a bit about my new granddaughter and the baby due very soon, and I said my goodbyes and left.
I should have been ecstatic. I am well, there is no evidence of active disease.
I cried, I fretted, I railed... I do not want to hear 'I'm well now' but still have years of worry and concern, the rest of my life in fact! I want to know CANCER will never come back. I know that can NEVER happen. Cancer moved back into my waking life again.
My day did not finish there though. I wrapped some Christmas presents. I looked at pictures of my granddaughters visiting Santa. I finally finished the work that had been dogging me. I took a long hard look at my life. Mr G came home and hugged me.
I shoved Cancer back where it belongs.
I took control of that which I can control and moved on. I acknowledged the pain and uncertainty, then I looked elsewhere. I chose to encircle myself with all the good things I have.
I am very glad to be well and alive.
Oh, how wrong I was, as today's appointment loomed closer, I got more and more stressed. Sharp words were exchanged, I could not concentrate.
As I sat in the waiting area, which was uncharacteristically quiet, I was offered the customary hot drink and biscuits, I accepted gratefully. I had brought my book but was too restless to read. The department secretary took a call which clearly was about someone who had died. My anxiety rose. My name was called.
Dr M. greeted me with her usual cheer. I told her I felt very well (I do!), better in fact than I have done for a couple of years. She examined me, felt my neck and collar bone area. palpated my tummy, and said that all seemed well. We chatted a bit about my new granddaughter and the baby due very soon, and I said my goodbyes and left.
I should have been ecstatic. I am well, there is no evidence of active disease.
I cried, I fretted, I railed... I do not want to hear 'I'm well now' but still have years of worry and concern, the rest of my life in fact! I want to know CANCER will never come back. I know that can NEVER happen. Cancer moved back into my waking life again.
My day did not finish there though. I wrapped some Christmas presents. I looked at pictures of my granddaughters visiting Santa. I finally finished the work that had been dogging me. I took a long hard look at my life. Mr G came home and hugged me.
I shoved Cancer back where it belongs.
I took control of that which I can control and moved on. I acknowledged the pain and uncertainty, then I looked elsewhere. I chose to encircle myself with all the good things I have.
I am very glad to be well and alive.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Well, gosh ...
I received an email today from a lady called Emma telling me that she had mentioned my blog on her blog BBC - The Ouch! Blog I am astonished that my telling of my story has reached so far. It started out as a vehicle for me to story my life during my journey through cancer surgery, treatment and the subsequent emotional fallout. I hope, in the nicest possible way, that I can eventually draw a line under cancer. Until then though I will keep writing on This and That to keep my story going. Thank you for reading it.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Another big step...
Saw my counsellor today, and she is very pleased with my progress. I had a real epiphany after the last session and managed a lot of 'stuff' sorting in my head. Someone said that we should seize the power. That power is within us all, we just need to find it. I found my power on November 3 2011. I absolutely refuse to worry about something COMPLETELY outside my influence. So I'm getting on with my life. I've been investigating a new job. If I get it, it will challenge me but not bring me to my knees. I am ready for this. All I can say is 'Bring it on'
And here are two very good reasons for living every scrap of my life well!
And here are two very good reasons for living every scrap of my life well!
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